Navigating uncertainty
As featured in Montana Parent Magazine
In our lives, uncertainty is most often associated with fear. When we don’t know what will happen, our minds can run amok and, if left unchecked, can lead to regular thoughts of what we imagine will be the worst possible outcome. During times such as the one we are in, with a pandemic threatening people’s lives around the world and our routines largely stunted, it can be difficult to believe in any other possibility than the worst. Experience shows us that these times are the most formative we will have, bringing with them great gifts such as curiosity and hope, if we choose to accept them.
Saying this, I feel fear. I am worried that some who read this will believe that they are hearing words from an unrealistic optimist, that my profession as a counselor leads me to focus only on the positive while disregarding the true despair that exists. Instead, I’d like to convey something different. I accept the darkness in this situation and find it important to consider this element too. But, singular focus on what can go wrong is just as big a mistake as the opposite. When navigating uncertainty, we grow the most when we are open to all possibilities and are humble enough to admit that we cannot predict the future.
With our kids, this openness is incredibly important. To share briefly about my past, I was a good son, brother, and student for the most part through high school. Then, my life took a turn as I began to explore those things I felt I had been sheltered from. During this period, those that knew me best, especially my family, began to lose faith in me. There were moments when I felt I had lost their respect and they believed there was no way for me to turn back. I almost began to believe this myself as I still trusted them. As my path would eventually show, all was not lost and I regained my footing and began to move forward again in a way not even I foresaw.
It took me a great deal of time to earn back the faith of these people. For me, this was the hardest part. I needed others to believe it was possible for me to break the patterns I had created and choose a better path.
For your teenage son or daughter, it is no different. Look around and you’ll see many examples of people who transformed themselves into something they could be proud of, often defying what common wisdom would say was possible. This period of transformation is scary and difficult because there is the definite possibility that our worst fears will be realized. Then again, the possibility of a positive outcome is always there. So, when we begin to believe that the bad behavior of a young person will determine a negative outcome to their life, we are actually creating a stronger chance this will happen. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I feel deeply sad when I hear a parent ask me if their child is a sociopath, or what the chance is that they will be able to stop using drugs or alcohol. These questions are rarely helpful and create a sense in the child that maybe there is something inherently wrong with them. The truth is, there is darkness in every person and on every person’s path. It is up to them to choose which direction they go in and they are always served better by a community that believes that, no matter how many mistakes they have made, they can still transform and live a good life.
So for now, during these dark times, practice openness. Maybe this massive tragedy will lead to cultural realizations that we otherwise wouldn’t have come to. Maybe we’ll come together after all of this and understand some of the many faults in our ways. Then again, maybe not. But what better way to allow for a positive change than to believe that it is possible!