Encourage instead of shame
As featured in Montana Parent Magazine
When I think of the best coaches, mentors, and bosses I’ve had in my life, they’ve all created a balance between being encouraging and maintaining accountability. In the environment this creates, I felt safe to make mistakes but also driven to be better. Encouragement offers a reflection of what I do well, which is an important thing to know if I’m going to continue to do something. Accountability lets me know when I’m not giving my best and helps me to understand why. These are the relationships in which I’ve experienced the most personal growth and also those that have helped me to understand how to create a bond that encourages growth. As a parent with a teen, this is incredibly important toward creating a positive relationship.
As you may know, this is much easier said than done. The difficulty arises from the spirit in which we provide feedback. Think of statements like, “How could you have….” or “What were you thinking when you….” or “You would have….by now if you had only….” Objectively, these statements appear to be true. However, these statements often don’t lead to growth because they focus on what was done wrong, which has already happened and about which nothing can now be done. This can lead to a feeling of helplessness in our teens and create a belief that not only was their action bad, they are bad. Ultimately, this is shaming and you, however unintentionally, are shaming your teen.
So what do you know about shame? Is it good? Can it be good sometimes? My opinion: No way, not at all, not ever is shame helpful. Shame breaks us down emotionally. When we grow from shame, the growth is built upon a foundation of hurt, pain, anger, and resentment. Even when a person is successful because of their shame, there’s very little ability to enjoy what’s been created because it’s tainted with these difficult emotions. The next thing to notice is that this is, very likely, a way that you often talk to yourself. Think for a second. Have you ever said to yourself, “C’mon (your full name)” or “What the heck are you doing you idiot!” There are so many examples I’ve recognized from my own repertoire. I point this out only to illustrate that shaming is a normal way we communicate in our culture. That being the case, it will take practice to turn the tides.
My suggestion is to start with how you talk to yourself. As some really smart person once said, “as within, so without” meaning how we treat ourselves, we treat others. The first step is to bring awareness to this habit. Notice when you make shaming statements to yourself. The second step is to offer yourself a new statement that both encourages and holds you accountable. For example, “Here’s what you did well and here’s where you fell short.” Then, offer an idea of what to do in a similar situation in the future. Something like, “Next time, pay more attention to….” or “In the future, don’t forget about....” By using statements like these, we are able to learn from our experiences and also create a sense of trust with ourselves that we won’t make the same mistakes over and over again.
Remember, the difference between shaming and encouragement is the spirit in which feedback is given. Shame says, “You are bad, you did bad, how could you?” While encouragement says, “You did great at this and could have done better at that...next time, try this instead!” One breaks us down and keeps us small. The other builds us up and supports consistent positive development. Choose the latter. Not just for your teen, but for yourself too.