Stop fighting with your teenager
As featured in Montana Parent Magazine
It amazes me how often I hear that this is the hardest time to grow up as a teenager. The agreed upon culprit: social media. While I do think that growing up in a digital world adds novel challenges to the period of adolescence I’m amazed because, as far as I can tell, it’s always been tough to develop through the teen years. I experienced this when I was a teenager and I’ve heard many stories of past generations with the similar difficulties. What’s really true, as I see it, is that each generation faces challenges that weren’t faced by the past because of improvements in technology, cultural changes and a multitude of other factors. Rather than compare this group of teens to the past, I prefer to think that it’s the duty of each successive generation of parents and caregivers to adapt and develop new approaches that recognize the unique challenges that their teens face.
The good news is that there are a set of principles that apply regardless of generational differences, and they’re rooted in healthy communication patterns. One of the most common arguments I hear from teens in my office is that their parent does not listen to them. I see parents get frustrated by this, and rightly so, because it can often seem that when a teenager says they want their parent to listen, they really mean they want them to give them their way. What follows is either a pattern of arguing, where both sides are promoting their point without any acknowledgment of the other, or complete withdrawal, which includes very little or even no communication between parent and teen. Both outcomes are unfortunate because it leaves both sides with the resentment of not feeling heard, validated, or respected. To those parents out there who feel regularly disrespected by their teen, ask yourself, would they too claim to feel disrespected? If so, who’s more right? To be clear, it’s not a competition. If both sides are feeling disrespected, that’s where the focus can be most fruitful.
Ok, so how do you talk to your teen so that they feel both heard and validated without always giving them what they want? Yes, this is truly a high level communication skill and it requires much practice. There are three main parts to this and it is very important to allow each to unfold to its fruition before moving to the next. They are: 1. Listen with an open heart 2. Reflect back what you’ve heard and clarify that you’ve got it right and 3. Speak your reasons and indicate the decision. Let’s break this down a little bit more.
1. Listen with an open heart: Sounds easy, right? Know this: your teen will know if your heart is open or not. Teens are the best bs detectors on the planet. They may not know your motivation, but they’ll be able to tell if you’re not being genuine. This means that, for this phase of the conversation, you truly have to consider their argument. I am not encouraging you to change your mind, but instead to just consider the possibility of changing your mind as you include your teens perspective in your viewpoint. This doesn’t mean adopting their point of view but rather adding it to yours and seeing what comes out the other side. After all, this is what we would ask of a co-worker, friend, or relative as a sign of respect, so why wouldn’t we offer it to our kids?
2. Reflect back what you’ve heard and clarify that you’ve got it right: Yes, this! Before you move on to the phase of being a parent and setting limits for your teen, let them know that you have really listened to their perspective. Say back what you heard and ask them if you got everything. If they say no or have something to add, reflect that back too until you’ve reached the point where they say “Yes, that’s it!” This also must be done with an open heart. If your teen senses that you’ve already made your decision or that your are demeaning or negatively judging their perspective, this won’t work.
Your ultimate goal with these two steps is to leave your teen feeling validated and understood. Whether or not you change your mind is secondary.
3. Speak your reasons and indicate the decision: Your reasons here are so important! With this, don’t expect for your teen to agree with you if your decision is to limit their freedom. It’s your job to limit them, it’s their job to push back. This is the process. If they argue back, you may listen, or you may also choose to express your understanding of their frustration and that your decision is final. Does this lead to an outburst? Give them time to cool off before you give them consequences. Punishing them right away will lead them to feeling hopeless and, often, to raising the stakes. Also, offer them a way to lessen their consequences if they’re willing to accept responsibility for their behavior or even complete an additional chore. Their anger response is to be treated with firmness, no doubt, but also with understanding. This is how they learn how to behave when they don’t get what they want. You get the lucky job of being the people they practice on!
Raising a teenager is difficult. This is also a crucial time of learning and development for them. Know that you will not be perfect parents and working on your communication with them won’t always lead to desired outcomes. Like with all things in life, practice leads to improvement and, in the case of your relationship with your teenager, small improvements can lead to a better prepared young adult and a happier parent!