Practice forgiveness with your teen
As featured in Montana Parent Magazine
To practice is to “perform (an activity) or exercise (a skill) repeatedly or regularly in order to improve.” To me, there is no healthier way to view my life than as a series of practices. From this perspective, I am regularly reminded that I'm not perfect and that I’m not supposed to be. Instead, I’m always working toward improvement with no more definitive measure than steady gains over time. In this article, I will focus on creating a practice in the area of forgiveness - especially toward your teen!
Let’s talk about forgiveness. This is a concept that all of us are exposed to early on but whose application is never really taught. We’re regularly asked to forgive our peers when they do us wrong. Often, we’re asked to accept an apology for the transgression as all that is necessary to “forgive and forget.” Sometimes this works, when we feel the apology is genuine or when we believe that the person's actions were not intentional. But sometimes we find ourselves in front of a perpetrator who does not actually seem sorry, leading us to believe they did it on purpose and will do it again given the opportunity. And to be honest, we’re often right. So, why should we forgive our teens when they continuously hurt us with their actions and don’t seem to have remorse? Why forgive when our gut tells us they will just do it again?
Forgiveness is for us and our relationships, not just the other person. It is when we take time to understand why something has happened which creates the space for us to let go of our hurt and anger about it. There are two steps in this process.
First, we must seek to understand why they have behaved in this way. With teenagers, this can be tricky because very often they themselves have no idea why they are behaving as they are. And even just this bit of understanding, that they don’t know what they are doing, can begin the process of forgiveness. But, to go deeper, I always like to ask what basic human need they are meeting that is driving their behavior. So, are they playing video games too much, eating in unhealthy ways, lashing out at you with little or no impetus? Maybe they’re hungry, maybe they’re tired, maybe they’re emotional and are projecting onto you. Maybe they feel justifiably angry toward you. Ultimately, what you decide is for you, not them. When you can explain to yourself the reason for their actions, you can start to let go of the hurt you feel from it. The helpful realization here is “this isn’t about me, it’s about them!” When a person treats someone else badly, it’s always about them. Always. Even when they say it’s not. It is.
Second, our hurt and anger begin to soften. This part is something that happens naturally after we've spent enough time understanding. In other words, we don’t actively “let go” of something. We simply create an environment where things can fall away from us because we’ve fully validated and processed them. This is the part that feels like forgiveness. We are no longer holding a grudge and are able to experience feelings of love for the person that hurt us. Does this mean that you just move on as if it never happened? Absolutely not! Give your teen a consequence for their behavior. Also, take any responsibility you have in the situation. It will be easier now and you'll be modelling accountability.
Your teen is still learning how to be in the world and it is important that they know when their actions break connection with the people around them. Having begun the process of forgiveness, you’ll be able to explore what happened from a place of love. I can’t tell you how incredibly important this is. You’ll feel it, your teen will feel it and you’ll both be better for it!