Plan a holiday the whole family can enjoy
As featured in Montana Parent Magazine
Getting together with family over the holidays is something we both look forward to and dread. Depending on your family relationships, you’ll probably feel more of one than the other! It can feel difficult for us to know what is even happening in these relationships. This is because these are the closest ones we will ever have. These people changed our diapers, were around when we wet the bed, watched us lie and, as a result of these and many other experiences, became used to an image of who we are that we may no longer want to identify with. It can be difficult to change your reputation with your family and I wouldn’t recommend a holiday visit to do so. Instead, I suggest focusing on reducing conflict and increasing teamwork. Following are three suggestions to make this happen.
Firstly, check with yourself about what your expectations are. Are you imagining everyone sitting by a fire, dressed nicely, singing together and drinking egg nog? Maybe that will happen, sure, but what if it doesn’t? Will you be devastated? Will you try to force it? If these are your answers, you’re setting yourself up for a freak out. To avoid this, watch yourself when you’re making plans. I like to say to myself “that would be great if that happened!” when fantasizing about something like this. This way, I have hope, not expectation. With so many factors being out of our control during holiday visits, being nimble and flexible is a great way to approach this time.
Next, what is most important to you over this visit? Do you want to have everybody join for a family dinner one night? Do you want to take family pictures? Do you want to go to a local gathering? (maybe not during Covid), or do you really need a night with your old friends as you visit your hometown? Whatever it is for you, communicate it and ask for the support you need in advance. Can I borrow a car on this night? Can you pick up groceries at the store? Can you be sure to be here all day on this day to help me cook? Dinner’s at 6, please be around 30 minutes early ready to go. In the absence of you telling others what you want, they won’t know! It is not fair to them or to you to wait to tell them until the last minute and expect things to go your way. Give as much advance notice of your biggest plans as possible and be willing to negotiate. If at all possible, make sure these plans work for others and be ready to make accommodations when possible.
Lastly, build in time apart! It is incredibly difficult to be in the same space with anybody for an extended period of time without getting annoyed by them. I’ve sometimes found myself feeling frustrated at hearing someone chew their food, or grab yet another sweet treat then complain about their weight. These are just a couple of examples of the many aggravating things family members can do when in close proximity. Build in time for yourself to just do your thing, which should include self-care. Also, recognize that your teen will need more time than almost everyone else. Being social with their peers is the most important task of adolescence, so be sure to give them plenty of time to socialize away from the family. Tell them in advance when you need them around and let them be otherwise.
To recap, I’ve suggested three ideas to create a more harmonious family visit this year for the holidays. They are:
Check your expectations;
Communicate and ask for support with what you need in advance; and
Build in time apart.
If you do this, you can create a teamwork environment where everybody’s needs can be met with minimal conflict. If you’re afraid that this might be too peaceful for a family holiday, you can always start a conversation about politics!