Converse for understanding, not agreement
As featured in Montana Parent Magazine
It’s election season and our country is as divided as ever. Each cycle, watching the candidates attack each other is like watching a good reality tv show. Critical messages insulting the opposition are more commonplace than ones that actually relate to the issues. Somehow, this has also become the way we communicate with each other. Facebook posts or in person conversations gravitate towards staunch defense or attack of viewpoints. Things often devolve into name calling and the golden question that derails any productive conversation: “How could you think that?” This isn’t actually a question, though, but instead a passive insult questioning another person's entire belief system without actually wanting to know the answer.
If you recognize this pattern, then you probably know that it’s not only non-productive, it’s downright harmful! We leave these conversations feeling either demeaned or falsely inflated at another's expense. Nobody’s mind changes and relationships are harmed. Even though most of us recognize this, it’s difficult to avoid getting dragged into because these arguments come from an emotionally reactive place instead of one of careful consideration and logic. Once attacked, we feel we have no choice but to accept defeat or counter attack. Instead, I’d like to propose a few conversational tactics to navigate these tough conversations with your teenager without falling into this trap.
First, and most importantly, we must consider what our goal is in relation to any argument. Are we motivated to advance our way of thought because we are so sure of its righteousness? If so, we are already on the wrong path. Just think, are you ok with someone else feverishly insisting you see something their way because they “know” what’s right? When this happens, it is a form of control. We are not advancing a cause or a value, we are advancing our need for validation that what we think is right. Are we right? Is there even one right way to think about anything? If you think the answer is yes, you may not be genuinely looking at the issue from enough different perspectives. Teenagers more than most resist this kind of thought control. The more you insist you’re right, the less likely they are to really consider your point.
Instead, I propose looking at the issue from a distance. To do this, consider things like “Would I feel differently if I had a different background?” or “Did I feel differently about this at another point in my life?” These questions open up your ability to begin to consider different perspectives and understand that, even if you feel that your current perspective is correct, it makes sense that others may not see it the same way. From here, you should be able to both express your thoughts and genuinely listen to and try to understand those of your teen.
In practice, what this looks like is an actual conversation, not an argument. Different ideas can be exchanged and, in the end, both parties feel the space to continue to believe whatever they choose. In my experience, this is the only way people actually change their minds, when they’re given the choice not to. What can you do if harsh comments begin to emerge about any of the expressed viewpoints? There are two good options here: 1. Try more deeply to understand why the other person feels the way they do or 2. End the conversation. Sometimes, option 2 is the only good one left if your goal is to preserve the relationship. Preservation of the relationship should always come before changing someone else's mind. Unless a perspective causes an immediate threat, there’s no need for immediate change. Time gives a person what they need to truly consider other perspectives. Back off and talk about it more later.
Ultimately, each person’s viewpoints are reached by a complex combination of factors that most don’t fully understand themselves. Trying to change this using argument tactics that demean or claim the moral high ground only causes more division and create resentment. Try listening and exploring these thoughts with your teen so that they can get a better idea of why they think what they do. You might find that this allows for them to make the choice to change their mind. Who knows, maybe you'll change yours.