Setting boundaries with kindness and compassion

As featured in Montana Parent Magazine

With the holidays behind us and the realization, at least here in Bozeman, that winter will be around for quite a bit longer, I like to reflect on what changes during this long, cold, dark season. While winter sports can take the edge off, the season brings a decrease in movement, which naturally lends itself to staying inside where we’re warm and safe and more deeply to going inside (of ourselves introspectively). If resisted, this can be a time of great struggle. Understandably, if I believe that my sole purpose is to experience the natural world in different ways, winter time can make this very difficult and sometimes dangerous. Instead, I try to listen to the message that each season delivers, that not all are meant for the same purpose. Each brings with it new possibilities and new limitations. Our job is to find our unique way to live in harmony with these changes.

With this in mind, there is no better time to practice setting boundaries for ourselves, especially with our loved ones, than during the winter time. As we are forced to spend more time in close quarters, it is especially important for us to:

1. Understand our needs.

2. Indicate them to others.

3. Be willing to enforce our commitment to meeting these needs when necessary.

To do so in a way that doesn’t create new wounds (think phrases like “leave me alone,” or “go away.”), we must do so in a kind and compassionate way. Following are some basic instructions to practice this.

The first step in the process is to accurately identify our needs. Whether we’re a parent or teenager, we’ll notice that there are times when we feel not so good after spending days inside. This can feel like tiredness, grumpiness, impatience or disgust to name a few. When we feel this way, we often devote our focus to what’s causing this feeling, an external factor, and then spend our energy feeling strong negative feelings about it. By doing this, we compound the original feeling and find ourselves no closer to moving past it. Instead, our focus can be most productive by asking ourselves the question, “What’s missing right now?” or “What do I need that I don’t have?” A valuable answer will give you guidance about what YOU can do to meet your needs. Be wary of any answer that says someone else needs to change what they’re doing. This is a trap, as we can’t control what others do.

After we’ve identified what we need, we must share it with those around us. If we need alone time in our room, we must tell our family members. If we need to go for a walk, we must tell them this too. Whatever it is, it is not just for us to know. Without this information, our family might be blasting past our boundaries without even knowing it, e.g. barging in our room, making demands of us, etc. If we haven’t shared our needs with them, they may not know what they are. When we do share our needs, it is important to express the feeling we first understood that led us to identifying this need. We might say, “I noticed I was feeling tired, so I’d like to go for a walk or take a nap” or “I was feeling filthy because of this mess, so I’d like to clean up.” This gives the other the understanding they need to become a teammate in meeting our needs instead of an adversary with differing needs. As we do this, we might ask for help in meeting these needs, but we must be wary of expecting help. This whole process is about us setting our own boundaries. We give away power when we expect of others to do so.

Finally, we must be ready to enforce our boundaries when others aren’t willing to respect them. This process is basic, but requires a lot of finesse. This is because when others don’t immediately do what we are asking of them, it often brings up a deep feeling of not being cared about. When this feeling arises, it is our responsibility to manage our reaction to it, not theirs. I do this by trying to understand why the other person isn’t showing me respect. In almost every case, it is because they have a need that they perceive as bigger than mine that they are trying to get met. Amazingly, both people are trying to do the same thing. Once I’ve gained this understanding, I can kindly let them know what I need in the moment and when I will be available to them again. When this goes really well, we can even negotiate with the other how to meet both our needs. Of course, this takes a willing teammate. If you don’t have this, don’t fret. Kindly insist upon meeting your own needs, then later when you’re ready, ask how you can help them. 

Setting boundaries is something we must all do to meet our needs. When we do this in kind and compassionate ways, we meet these needs without hurting others. This can slowly change the fabric of our relationships to be more collaborative and, in doing so, slowly eliminate the need to set boundaries at all.